The Aftermath
by gotluka'scookies
Summary: I switched fics because this is a little out of date. I'm planning to incorporate most of this fic into my other one with some changes.
1. Default Chapter

Carter sighed, leaning back against the hospital wall listlessly, arms folded, the sole of one foot flat against the wall. It was late spring, and the air was unnaturally still, the sky a clear and startling blue.  
  
Mostly, he stuck to the lounge on his breaks these days. Sometimes he went down the road for a coffee, but not today. He couldn't quite summon the energy to get to the coffee shop he'd been going to since Doc Magoo's burned down. He didn't know why, exactly. His shift had been fairly uneventful so far. He had an unfamiliar craving for a cigarette.  
  
The ER felt empty, despite the seemingly endless stream of patients passing through, patients with cuts and bruises, the odd fracture, someone with breathing problems. He treated and streeted efficiently, the pace monotonous, boring, but in a way strangely satisfying. He dispatched patients, secure in the knowledge that he was unlikely ever to see them again, filling out their paperwork, sending them home to their own lives, their own jobs, their own families.  
  
There was no-one he knew working. Kerry was around, somewhere, and some new doctor who'd started while he was in africa, but that was it. Susan was off, Chen was still in China, Luka had taken some time off, and Abby— well he hadn't seen Abby in a while. Until now.  
  
He watched as she approached, her slight figure making its way purposefully towards the entrance, as yet unaware of his presence.  
  
He saw the surprise register on her face. The automatic doors had already opened for her. She took a step back, caught off guard.  
  
"Carter. Hey", smiling cautiously.  
  
"Hey". There was an awkward pause as he cast around for something to say. Finally, "It's been a while, huh?"  
  
"I started my OR rotation." Oh, right. So maybe she hadn't just been avoiding him after all. Or maybe that was just an excuse. Things weren't exactly very comfortable between them right now. But she'd moved on. She had her whole med-student thing now.  
  
Carter unfolded his arms, standing up, but, slightly unsure of what to do with the hands dangling awkwardly at his side, he quickly crossed them again.  
  
"How's it going?"  
  
"Good, thanks."  
  
Great. She was being really helpful. She could at least try for more than two words at a time. Something to fill the silences which seemed to be threatening to end their conversation before it had even started. Well, this time it was her turn to fill it.  
  
"So how've you been?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm ok." Ha. Zero marks for originality. To the both of them. He waited, again.  
  
What had they talked about before? Before all the events of the past year had planted this seemingly insurmountable barrier between them? When had they got to this stage, where each watched the other squirm uncomfortably while both tried desperately to come up with something to say? When had their conversation, if you could even call it that, become so monosyllabic, so forced?  
  
"You miss her?" Ok. Now that was unexpected. Original. And it answered at least one of his questions.  
  
"Kem?" He checked. She nodded her head in assent, her eyes quickly flickering up to his face before she returned to her careful examination of the tarmac beneath her feet. He followed her gaze as he considered her question. Did she want an honest answer? Or was this just an attempt to put an end to the unwelcome silence which had been swelling between them?  
  
He answered hesitantly, bringing his eyes back up to her face, "I...I don't know..."  
  
Her brown eyes jerked up quickly, and he saw her internally berating herself for letting her emotions show so obviously. She made a quick recovery from her momentary lapse in guardedness, but it had happened, and they stared at each other, each knowing what had happened, each knowing that the other knew, and each knowing that neither one of them was going to acknowledge this brief instant of honesty.  
  
He saw her uncertainty, her brave attempt to continue, to move the conversation on to something more practical, something safer.  
  
"When is she getting back?"  
  
Taking a deep breath, he prepared to relieve himself of his...well, his secret, really. He hadn't intended it to be like that. There had just never seemed to be an appropriate moment to tell anyone. He couldn't exactly just drop it in to conversation casually. 'Susan, could you keep an eye on the patient in four for me? Oh and by the way, I'm not going to be a father anymore, and Kem's staying in Africa.' No. it wouldn't work. And he would've told Abby over a coffee, but he'd barely seen her. And things were difficult between them. And, well...she was busy. But now she was standing in front of him, asking, awaiting his answer...  
  
He exhaled.  
  
"She's not", he said, carefully scrutinising her face for any sign of a reaction. Her eyes shifted swiftly over to the side and back to his face, a slight smile playing at the corners of her mouth as she looked up at him in disbelief, initially not sure that she'd got it right, now certain that she'd misunderstood.  
  
"Not what?"  
  
"Getting back." "Like...for a few months or something?" Serious now, her gaze roved over his face, from one eye to the other, and back again, as if the answer that she couldn't find in one might somehow be obvious in the other.  
  
It was time to explain. "No, she decided to stay in Africa, with Peter." Another look of incomprehension. "That's her ex", he persisted. "Well, not ex anymore, I guess." No reaction. "I wanted to tell you, but things were kinda weird..." He trailed off, watching as she blinked and shook her head impatiently, the beginnings of a confused frown ruffling her features.  
  
"What about the baby?"  
  
"She's keeping it." He should probably tell her now. He hesitated. "It's...it's Peter's child." It was out.  
  
A pause. He waited.  
  
"Did you know?", slowly, earnestly. She didn't seem to be as surprised as he had thought she would be.  
  
He answered her, truthfully, slowly, "I guess I did, really. I mean, nothing was ever said, but it was kinda...obvious...I mean, with the due dates and everything...I guess you could say I was in denial"  
  
"And you're ok with it?"  
  
"I'm not sure. I mean, I know I shouldn't be, but... I thought...I wanted to love her, convinced myself that I did...could love her. But in the end, when she called, it came as a bit of a relief. I got the impression that she felt the same way. To be honest with you, it's not really Kem I'm missing. I think it was more the idea, the baby and everything...I don't know..." he listened as the sound of his voice petered out, lamely. Why the hell was he telling her this? Obviously the best person to try to explain this to is your ex-girlfriend, who's almost as emotionally involved in this as you are. Especially when you haven't even tried to explain it to yourself yet. Have avoided thinking about it altogether, if you're honest.  
  
He felt like he'd been living in an alternate universe for the last few months. Having almost succeeded in convincing himself that none of it had ever happened, it felt weird to be standing outside the ER discussing it with Abby. She'd always been at the back of his mind, even while he was living out what he had thought at the time had been a fantasy, but which had turned out to be real, and not particularly fantastic.  
  
Looking back on it, it seemed that, even at times of apparent happiness, something sinister had been clawing almost imperceptibly at the fraying edges of those Kodak moments. Even in his surreal world of glaring sunshine, there had been a rain cloud looming on the horizon, but before he could even begin to work out what it was or why it was there, the claustrophobic dreamland which had had him so enmeshed had dissolved, nipped in the bud, or, as he preferred to think of it, reality had bitten it in the ass. And he felt unnervingly free.  
  
He missed her, now, almost a year later, even more than when they'd broken up. She was the one who ensured that he went about his daily routine absently, confused, his mind a jumble of thoughts and emotions. His head crowded with what he should be feeling, of what he wasn't sure that he was feeling, and of what he should or could be doing about those feelings. That was before he resigned himself to his helpless state, and cleared his head of anything of consequence, as he had done this morning. But now, Abby had triggered the resurgence of his disordered emotions.  
  
This was the Abby he knew now he missed far more than he would ever miss Kem. The Abby he'd hurt, who had hurt him. The Abby whose anxious reflection looked back at herself from his eyes. And yet for all the distance between them she might as well be in the congo.  
  
He smiled ruefully, "Everything seems different with hindsight, huh?"  
  
"I guess", she said, her face finally breaking into a smile. A sharp ray of sunlight glanced surprisingly off a stray strand of her dark hair. He shivered, although it wasn't cold, irrationally worried that he'd somehow tarnished her with something sinister from his memories, from his imagination. He looked up, and saw an ominously dark looking cloud above them, the sunlight retreating rapidly, the stark shadow of the hospital melting into the darkness, and he laughed in relief.  
  
She followed his eyes. "It's going to rain. You wanna grab a coffee?"  
  
"I should be getting back", he said, gesturing towards the doors with his chin, and they were both suddenly aware of the people thronging around them, the constant opening and closing of doors, a scream somewhere, the hubbub of voices.  
  
Abby looked down at her watch. "Shit, I'm late."  
  
She smiled up at him. "Time flies, huh?"  
  
"Yeah. Yeah it does", when you're having fun, he added in his head. He smiled as he followed her into the ER, the doors closing behind them.  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: Some Suby & Carsan (purely platonic, I promise!) coming up, if I receive even the tiniest itsiest piece of encouragement.  
  
It's my first fic, so please don't slate it too much – constructive criticism v welcome, & please review! Let me know if you thought the ending was a bit lame, because it seemed that way to me. 


	2. ACT II

AN: thank you for all the tiniest itsiest pieces of encouragement I received for chapter 1! Here's chapter 2, with the promised Suby & Carsan. Sorry if it seems a bit stilted in a kind of 'he said, she said' kind of way, but this is my first attempt at dialogue from no-one in particular's point of view, so I hope it's not too confusing...  
  
SUMMARY: Susan's playing matchmaker...  
  
SPOILERS: none, if you know who Kem is.  
  
DISCLAIMER: please, even TPTB couldn't mess up this badly...  
  
ACT II, Scene 1  
  
Abby smiled quickly down at her chart, before quickly rearranging her face into an expression that she hoped was suitably bored as she looked at the chart of a 40 year old man with a broken toe. She could see Susan looking over at her, and knew why, having overheard strains of her conversation with Chuny.  
  
Still, as Susan wandered over with an attempt at what Abby thought was probably supposed to be nonchalance, but actually just gave the impression that she was slightly inebriated, Abby appeared enrapt in her chart.  
  
Susan gave her several significant glances, but Abby refused to respond, apparently utterly absorbed in her contemplation of the piece of paper in front of her.  
  
Susan gave up.  
  
"So...?" she said, a mischievous grin creeping into her countenance.  
  
"So what? .............Susan, stop looking at me like that!" She was doing her utmost not to smile, and failing miserably.  
  
"So, I heard..."  
  
Still feigning innocence, Abby questioned, "You heard what?"  
  
Susan sighed. Some people were so, well, irritating.  
  
"About Kem...she's not coming back."  
  
"And?"  
  
"Well? Have you spoken to Carter?"  
  
The small smile that had escaped Abby's lips grew a little, "Not since he told me last week", she said.  
  
"He told you last week? Why don't I know about this, Abby?"  
  
"I hate to interrupt this nice little heart to heart", Kerry interrupted without any visible sign of remorse, "but there's a trauma coming in, and we're two nurses down"  
  
Abby heard Susan say under her breath, "That witch. I swear she knows when we're getting to the decent gossip."  
  
"Oh, she's not that bad", Abby said, her eyes finally leaving her chart as she looked back over her shoulder at Susan with a smile.  
  
"Whatever. You're not off the hook yet. We're continuing this conversation later."  
  
*****  
  
Scene 2 Susan made as if to walk past Abby, who was doing the inventory, but then, noticing Abby, took a step back.  
  
"You still love him."  
  
Abby sighed, rolling her eyes to the ceiling good humouredly, "Ok, now you're talking crazy."  
  
"And yet you knew who I was talking about before I even said his name." Susan watched as Abby guiltily resumed stacking the drugs in front of her. "Look at me."  
  
"What?" Abby looked over, her confusion genuine this time.  
  
"Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love him"  
  
Trademark eye-roll #two. But she looked at Susan's face and realised that she wasn't having any of it.  
  
So she surrendered, meeting Susan's eyes with a steely gaze of her own, and said, her face completely composed, "I don't love him". It was surprisingly easy.  
  
"Ok...now look me in the eyes and say 'I don't love John Carter'"  
  
Abby maintained her composure, and, imitating Susan's intonation immaculately, said "I don't love John Carter"  
  
"Abby! You're unbelievable! Literally. I don't believe you."  
  
Abby rolled her eyes, but was soon aware that Susan's attention was elsewhere, and as she looked across the ER she saw Luka striding towards the lounge.  
  
"...hey, let's ask Luka...Luka! .............Luka!" Susan yelled.  
  
"Susan, stop it!" He hadn't noticed, and the lounge door swung shut. Thank heaven for small mercies. But she still had Susan to contend with.  
  
"Don't worry. I'll speak to Carter for you instead."  
  
"Susan," she said, her voice serious this time, the warning tone of it obvious.  
  
"Ok, ok, I won't if you don't want me to. But you two...I don't know...you just have your whole little thing going on, you know?"  
  
Abby shook her head, smiling, as she walked away, saying, "I've got patients to see," but her face quickly became serious as she walked away, not quite convinced by Susan's reassurances.  
  
*****  
  
Scene 3 A week later, when all Susan's attempts to procure an admission from Abby with regard to her feelings for Carter had proved fruitless, Susan saw her opportunity when she came across Carter sitting in the lounge. She would be subtle. If the impossible pair couldn't do it for themselves then she would do it for them. And Abby needn't worry. She would be the Queen of discretion.  
  
"Hey, Carter."  
  
"Hey."  
  
"How are you?"  
  
"Yeah I'm good. You?"  
  
Susan grinned as she said, "Overworked and underpaid"  
  
"Aren't we all?"  
  
Yeah, because we all know how short of money the Carters are. Out loud, she said "How's Kem?"  
  
"Yeah, she's fine. Had the baby. He's cute. Real cute."  
  
"He is, huh? You miss her?"  
  
"Not so much."  
  
Susan congratulated herself for checking out how things stood with Carter, before getting to the point, "You miss Abby?"  
  
"Where the hell did that come from?!"  
  
Oops. Maybe that wasn't quite as subtle. Still, at least it had got a reaction from him. There was no going back now. She pressed on, "Come on, carter. Did you really think I hadn't noticed?"  
  
"There's nothing to notice."  
  
"Give me some credit."  
  
"How's Chuck?"  
  
"Carter! Stop trying to change the subject!" But she couldn't help breaking into a smile, as she said, "He's fine. We're fine. I'm expecting."  
  
"Congratulations! That's great!...." He hesitated, checking up, "It is great, right?"  
  
"Yep. I mean, it was a bit of a surprise, but we're really happy," she assured him.  
  
"Does Abby know?"  
  
God, she knew he was besotted with Abby, but she hadn't realised that it was this bad. She pounced on the perfect opportunity he had presented her with. "Hah!" she said, and she saw Carter become resigned as he took in his mistake  
  
"What?" was all he said.  
  
But Susan had him, and he knew it. He watched as her face lit up with the satisfaction of being right. "See!" she said, "Everything comes back to Abby with you. What does Abby think about Kem? About Kem's baby? About Kem's not coming back? About Susan's baby? About me? I don't know how you two thought you could get away with all those sneaky glances. Certainly not with me around you can't. And I'm not the only one who's noticed."  
  
"Who else...?"  
  
"Everyone...Luka, Chuny, Haleh, Malik....it's a pretty hot topic when you're not around. Hell, even Pratt's noticed. And he has to be the most insensitive second year resident in Chicago. Or anywhere, for that matter." She paused, before saying slowly, "Kem knew too, right?"  
  
"I don't know. I mean she knew there was history with us and stuff...maybe she had her suspicions..."  
  
Wow. She had expected him to brush it off, or to lie, to have had to push him further. The last thing she had expected was honesty. Suddenly, Carter looked very tired. But she couldn't help the self-satisfied smile which spread itself over her face.  
  
Carter looked vaguely amused, as he said "What?"  
  
"I finally did it. I finally got Dr John Carter to admit to his undying and everlasting love for Abby Lockhart."  
  
"I never said that!", Carter said, in a futile attempt to persuade Susan that he felt otherwise. "And anyway," he continued "they mean the same thing."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Undying and everlasting. They mean the same thing."  
  
"Whatever carter." She ignored Carter's pedantic nitpicking, and chanted in a singsong voice "Carter's in luurve."  
  
"Susan! Stop it!"  
  
"Stop what?" Susan asked with wide-eyed innocence.  
  
"Behaving like a 13-year-old."  
  
"I can't help it. I was always young for my age...neglected as a child, you know?"  
  
"Seriously, Susan. This goes no further, right?"  
  
"Funny. That's exactly what Abby said." Now she had his full attention. She was good at this.  
  
"She said something?"  
  
"Ok, well not exactly. But she's in denial."  
  
"What did she say?"  
  
"I think you should talk to her yourself." Damn, she was good. But he wasn't exactly making it hard for her.  
  
Carter turned away, fumbling with some charts. "I can't."  
  
"Why the hell not? You're both mature adults. It's not like you don't know her well enough."  
  
"I knew her. Or thought I did."  
  
"Nothing's changed."  
  
"She has. She's changed. I wanted her to. I'm just not sure I ever really believed she would. And I thought that if she did, she would change when I was around, not that I would come back from Africa and find a different person living in Abby's apartment." He looked up at the amused expression on Susan's face. "Ok," he amended, "maybe I'm exaggerating a little. But she just seems different, somehow."  
  
God, they were as bad as each other. Susan's exasperation was, she hoped, obvious, as she said, "Carter, you ran off and broke her heart! You can hardly expect her to be the same."  
  
"I left her broken hearted! Susan, I think we both know that Abby was never as into me as I was into her."  
  
"Maybe you don't know her as well as I thought you did, Carter. Why is it that everyone except you and her can see that she's more in love with you than...I don't know...Juliet was with Romeo?"  
  
"She doesn't exactly seem heartbroken to me," Carter said petulantly.  
  
Susan sighed. "That's just Abby, carter. You know that as well as anyone. It's just her way of dealing. Sometimes I wish I could just bang your heads together. Or maybe you need to be quarantined again?"  
  
"It had its perks. But no thanks."  
  
Susan paused, before saying what she'd been waiting to say, "Promise me something?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Promise me you'll talk to her? You don't even have to tell her that you're madly in love with her and can't live another moment without her. Well, not for now, at any rate. But just promise me that you'll spend at least ten minutes with her?"  
  
"Yes, mom."  
  
Susan smiled at him as she left the lounge, saying, "See you tomorrow, Carter"  
  
"See you," Carter said to the empty room, his mind already elsewhere.  
  
*****  
  
please review! Not sure where it's headed next, as I'm kinda writing two fics at the same time, and I'm not sure whether I'm going to combine them or perhaps swap the endings over. Either way, you can expect more 


End file.
